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How to Dress Yourself Fat

Clothes can be mean, insensitive, and flat out lazy.  And I have compiled five outfits which demonstrate clothing which should never earn its place on a hanger.  Watch below for a few laughs and some tips you’ll want to avoid.

pinterest-how-to-look-fat

Ensemble 1

Believe it or not, I am wearing an expensive bra that fit me well post-partum. Unfortunately, two years later, both the band and cup size are dreadfully wrong. My lady eggs are playing hide in seek inside the oversized, puckering cups, while the band rides up my back collecting every drip of available flesh, resulting in a small puddle of back fat along one of my thinnest areas.

The thighs on the other hand, are one of the most plentiful areas of my body, and this bubbled, tulip skirt doubles their abundance. And those booties aren’t doing my legs any lengthening favors.

Ensemble 2

I bought these pants in my current size, at a store that specializes in European sizing. So they are about two sizes, too small. And while horizontal stripes are widely deplored, straight vertical stripes stretched across curved surfaces will do their own damage to self-esteem by accentuating undulations.

Even with elongating stripes, my legs are still out of proportion thanks to these leg eating crop boots.

Ensemble 3

Lest you think I found all these items at a thrift store, I can assure you that I found them in current closets of well dressed ladies and sale racks, at some of my favorite stores.

Take this cable knit calamity; the chunky yarn weaves an extra layer of fleshy love around my lower torso. And while these droopy jeans may be comfortable, they certainly aren’t slimming. Combined with these clunky booties, my legs are at least a half-foot stubbier.

Ensemble 4

I actually patterned this outfit almost exactly from a store mannequin display. Since I am quite a bit curvier and shorter than any store mannequin, the results varied significantly. And it illustrates that hiding in big clothes definitely makes you look bigger.

The bright, tight leggings aren’t helping the situation either. They draw a disproportionate amount of attention and highlights any perceived flaws.

Ensemble 5

On me, mom jeans are anything but ironic. Rather than corseting in my soft delicious center, they create a kangaroo pouch around my Mommy panel, while a light wash expands the view.

The final touch of tucking a tight tee into a belted waistband, highlights every secondary and tertiary curve around the midsection.

Remember, clothing will fail, and when it does, you must fire it.  Be the lady boss of your own closet.

Vote in the comments for the outfit you think is the worst.

posted Filed Under: Body Type, Lower Figure, Middle Figure

How to Pick the Best Swimsuit for Your Bottom

I am basically a lower figured, triple threat: fleshy hips, swimsuit munching bottom, and full thighs.  The latter is probably my strongest feature.  And while I’ve heard and even witnessed glory and wonder attributed to the leg-lengthening high-cut legline, I personally appreciate a bit more coverage.  Today I’m going to compare four low-leg, high coverage options.

shop the video:

Albion Fit Wait Until Dark Swimsuit
Nanette Lepore Amalfi Floral Goddess One Piece
Shabby Apple Striped Ocean Park Swimsuit
Hapari Tankini Swimdress
Boden Tie Front Swimsuit

Let’s start with my favorite iteration: the retro leg, exemplified by Nanette Lepore’s Almalfi Floral Goddess Maliot.  I love how the rise cuts across the widest part of my hips, thereby dividing them into two smaller sections, without wrestling with my afore-mentioned thigh meat.

Shabby Apple Striped Ocean Park Swimsuit

Next, we take the rise a bit lower with a full boy short.  The Shabby Apple Ocean Park Swimsuit is a cellulite sentinel, shielding the seat and thighs from over exposure.  And if your body harbors curves exclusively around the hips and or seat, this might be the suit for you.  But the lower line creates a rather unwelcome “v” between my legs and highlight the ample circumference of my thighs.

Hapari Tankini Swimdress

The most conservative option within our set is also the most flexible.  This Retro Fashion Seaside Tankini and Swimdress by Hapari can be pulled low for seaside strolling or ruched up for swimming mobility, exposing the leg-legthening higher rise swim bottoms.

Boden Tie Front Swimsuit

Our final option, Boden Tie Front One Piece, is surprisingly similar to our first option with one important exception: the width of the crotch.  It’s not uncommon for a retro leg to be accompanied by a wide crotch line.  If your thighs tend to gap, this might be your perfect fit, but my friendly thighs resisted and wrestled again this constriction with unflattering results.

For the best options for your bust and belly, link to these episodes.

I wouldn’t have trusted just anyone to capture my swimsuit clad figure on film. I thank the trustworthy Breanne of Red Poppy Photo for posing me, photographing me, and giving me the courage to put my real body into a swimsuit for educational purposes.   Her camera is just as kind as the operator behind it. Check her out.

posted Filed Under: Body Type, Hourglass, Lower Figure, Swimwear

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