Middle Figure

Clothes can be mean, insensitive, and flat out lazy. And I have compiled five outfits which demonstrate clothing which should never earn its place on a hanger. Watch below for a few laughs and some tips you’ll want to avoid.

Ensemble 1

Believe it or not, I am wearing an expensive bra that fit me well post-partum. Unfortunately, two years later, both the band and cup size are dreadfully wrong. My lady eggs are playing hide in seek inside the oversized, puckering cups, while the band rides up my back collecting every drip of available flesh, resulting in a small puddle of back fat along one of my thinnest areas.

The thighs on the other hand, are one of the most plentiful areas of my body, and this bubbled, tulip skirt doubles their abundance. And those booties aren’t doing my legs any lengthening favors.

Ensemble 2

I bought these pants in my current size, at a store that specializes in European sizing. So they are about two sizes, too small. And while horizontal stripes are widely deplored, straight vertical stripes stretched across curved surfaces will do their own damage to self-esteem by accentuating undulations.

Even with elongating stripes, my legs are still out of proportion thanks to these leg eating crop boots.

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Lest you think I found all these items at a thrift store, I can assure you that I found them in current closets of well dressed ladies and sale racks, at some of my favorite stores.

Take this cable knit calamity; the chunky yarn weaves an extra layer of fleshy love around my lower torso. And while these droopy jeans may be comfortable, they certainly aren’t slimming. Combined with these clunky booties, my legs are at least a half-foot stubbier.

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I actually patterned this outfit almost exactly from a store mannequin display. Since I am quite a bit curvier and shorter than any store mannequin, the results varied significantly. And it illustrates that hiding in big clothes definitely makes you look bigger.

The bright, tight leggings aren’t helping the situation either. They draw a disproportionate amount of attention and highlights any perceived flaws.

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On me, mom jeans are anything but ironic. Rather than corseting in my soft delicious center, they create a kangaroo pouch around my Mommy panel, while a light wash expands the view.

The final touch of tucking a tight tee into a belted waistband, highlights every secondary and tertiary curve around the midsection.

Remember, clothing will fail, and when it does, you must fire it. Be the lady boss of your own closet.

Vote in the comments for the outfit you think is the worst.

After two pregnancies, my six pack is a little more cuddly than cut. Luckily choosing a flattering swimsuit for the midsection follows some of the same techniques as parenting a toddler: boundaries and distraction.

Make sure you scroll all the way to the bottom for your chance to win swimwear from Albion Fit.

shop the video:

Bleu Rod Beattie Chain Reaction Halter Cup Mio

The draped panels on this Bleu Rod Beattie Chain Reaction Halter offer confident concealment from both sides. The drapes cut towards a V, narrowing the torso, while providing core coverage right where you need it. While the unexpected chain detail strategically draws attention to your lovely legs.

KamaliKulture Shirred Mio One Piece

The Kamalikulture Shirred Mio Suit is a middle figure classic. Rouching or shirring over an area you’re less than confident about immediately minimizes and disguises superfluous bulges. The seamed panels on the side offer an optical illusion of a narrower waist.

Jessica Simpson Women’s Safari Chic One-Piece

Small appropriately placed prints like those offered on the Jessica Simpson Women’s Safari Chic One-Piece act like optical illusions. A tiny print helps blur and camouflage everything underneath it. Unlike the deservedly dreaded wide horizontal lines, small series of horizontal lines like these accentuate the smallest part of your body, creating instant hourglass perfection.

J.Crew Jersey Lomellina® Colorblock Tank

This Jersey Lomellina Colorblock Tank from J.Crew was so cute on my linear figured, athletic bestie that I had to try it on. Unfortunately what it flaunted on her, it failed on me. The silky, thin fabric offered no structure while the large blocks of solid color left me unmasked with an arrow pointing to the softest area of my squishy, delicious center. High cut leg lines can elongate legs, but they can also overexpose thighs, which was a cost not worth the benefit in my case. And the unsupported bandeau led to a frowning, droopy bust.

For better alternatives for your bust and bottom, be sure to subscribe, these episodes are coming next.

I wouldn’t have trusted just anyone to capture my swimsuit clad figure on film. I thank the trustworthy Breanne of Red Poppy Photo for posing me, photographing me, and giving me the courage to put my real body into a swimsuit for educational purposes. Her camera is just as kind as the operator behind it. Check her out.