How to Dress Yourself Fat

Clothes can be mean, insensitive, and flat out lazy.  And I have compiled five outfits which demonstrate clothing which should never earn its place on a hanger.  Watch below for a few laughs and some tips you’ll want to avoid.

Ensemble 1

Believe it or not, I am wearing an expensive bra that fit me well post-partum. Unfortunately, two years later, both the band and cup size are dreadfully wrong. My lady eggs are playing hide in seek inside the oversized, puckering cups, while the band rides up my back collecting every drip of available flesh, resulting in a small puddle of back fat along one of my thinnest areas.

The thighs on the other hand, are one of the most plentiful areas of my body, and this bubbled, tulip skirt doubles their abundance. And those booties aren’t doing my legs any lengthening favors.

Ensemble 2

I bought these pants in my current size, at a store that specializes in European sizing. So they are about two sizes, too small. And while horizontal stripes are widely deplored, straight vertical stripes stretched across curved surfaces will do their own damage to self-esteem by accentuating undulations.

Even with elongating stripes, my legs are still out of proportion thanks to these leg eating crop boots.

Ensemble 3

Lest you think I found all these items at a thrift store, I can assure you that I found them in current closets of well dressed ladies and sale racks, at some of my favorite stores.

Take this cable knit calamity; the chunky yarn weaves an extra layer of fleshy love around my lower torso. And while these droopy jeans may be comfortable, they certainly aren’t slimming. Combined with these clunky booties, my legs are at least a half-foot stubbier.

Ensemble 4

I actually patterned this outfit almost exactly from a store mannequin display. Since I am quite a bit curvier and shorter than any store mannequin, the results varied significantly. And it illustrates that hiding in big clothes definitely makes you look bigger.

The bright, tight leggings aren’t helping the situation either. They draw a disproportionate amount of attention and highlights any perceived flaws.

Ensemble 5

On me, mom jeans are anything but ironic. Rather than corseting in my soft delicious center, they create a kangaroo pouch around my Mommy panel, while a light wash expands the view.

The final touch of tucking a tight tee into a belted waistband, highlights every secondary and tertiary curve around the midsection.

Remember, clothing will fail, and when it does, you must fire it.  Be the lady boss of your own closet.

Vote in the comments for the outfit you think is the worst.