Cardigan Empire

When I was a Senior in high school, I was the smallest I have ever been. I was so tiny, in fact, my Mom asked me one day if I had been eating (I had). It was a combination of healthy eating and working out a lot with my boyfriend, now husband, that led me to lose a lot of weight in the summer. My pants were baggy, my shirts were loose and I’m sure anybody else, especially my Mother, thought I was a good weight. I had a good body. But to me? I still wanted to lose 5lbs. Eventually I did lose it, but it wasn’t enough. I still wanted to lose 5 more. Looking back now, I can see that I had a problem. A problem that consisted of loving the positive attention, fitting into smaller sizes, showing my body (and junk food) who was boss and never being happy with myself.

The next year, I was married and pregnant. I gained a healthy amount of weight during that pregnancy and a couple weeks after giving birth to my son, I returned to my pre-baby weight. (Thank you teenage body.) But alas, I still wanted to lose five pounds. Five months later, I was pregnant again. (I know, I know) Thinking it would be a repeat of my last pregnancy, I ate what I wanted and I stopped working out. It turns out my body didn’t like being pregnant twice in one year because I gained a lot of weight. After my daughter’s birth, I still thought it would be like the last time and I would lose it all right away. Not the case. I think I only lost about 10 pounds. Now, I weighed the most I had ever weighed. I had to work really, really, really hard to lose that weight. I mean, I trained myself to not even dream of cookies and soda. I would put the babies down for naps and work out the entire time in our little living room. After a summer’s worth of sweat, blood, and tears I was finally to a good weight. But can you guess what? You guessed it. I wanted to lose FIVE.MORE.POUNDS.

I don’t remember the day. I don’t remember how old I was but one day I stopped. I stopped expecting too much out of myself. I stopped worrying about my weight. I realized there is a big difference in exercising to be healthy and exercising to be skinny. I realized that counting calories; only getting water at restaurants; skipping out on dessert; and torturing my body with a fierce workout just to work off that cupcake was no way to live. I realized that no matter my weight I would always want to lose five more pounds. I was setting myself up to always be disappointed with my body. I will never be as skinny as I was when I was a senior in high school but I feel more beautiful and more confident than I did then. Than I ever have. 

It’s because after all of that, I finally learned that feeling beautiful will never be found in being skinny. Or in those last five pounds. Beauty is found in a confident woman. It’s found in the euphoria of working out, not because you’re punishing your body but because your body is divine and deserves to be treated as such. It’s found in a mother who has just given birth. It’s even found on a make-up-less, baggy shirt kind of morning. Beauty isn’t a given. Beauty isn’t a number or a fashion statement.Beauty is learning to appreciate who you are. And after you do; wherever you are, wherever you go, beauty is found because you are beautiful.