When is your family complete? Or how do you know when you’re done having kids? In case you’re new to my scene, I have 4 children age 6 and under. Showcased above from left to right: Oscar (3), Fitz (9 months), Levi (5), and Coco (6).
My spouse Andrew says you know you’re done when your husband is curious as to who the father of future children will be, because he, is done. But watching my Fitz Winters reach his 10 month marker this Mother’s Day makes my heart hurt. What will I do when there are no pudgy thighs to squish or toothless mouths to kiss or roll filled necks to smell?
Once again, my Andrew would interject that he is willing to stand in for all those activities. But I almost wish my ovaries would fall out at age 35 leaving me without a choice, clean of conscience, rich with closure.
I searched for my children through deserts of infertility for more than half a decade, I finally found my daughter through adoption, and my biological sons came miraculously in the years following. I feel like this is my life’s work. So how do I gracefully abandon what I believe is the most important thing I’ve ever done or will do? How do I graduate from my child-bearing years and move on to whatever is next?
And what is next? If my family is complete then I’ve already met the most important people in my life. I have my husband. I have four beautiful children. Are there no more babies to name? No more faces to conjecture over? No one else to fall in love with?
Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to endure nine months of body invasion, add 3-4 thousand diapers to a landfill, and potty train another bottom. Raising kids is hard, mostly thankless, and every additional soul leaves me with less and less capacity for anything else. I can barely complete a sentence after 6 pm most days. My brain has been shot with so many verbal ejections of Mom or literal screams for my attention, that you’d think I was trying to recover from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder once the kids are tucked safely into their beds.
I guess the big question I need to answer is “Do I want another baby or another child.” Because those are two different things.
While I ponder on these questions, maybe Andrew could help me celebrate (aka bribe me) this Mother’s Day with these Shane Company Threader style dangle earrings or an Adjustable Popcorn Chain Bracelet or a Pave Filled Diamond Anniversary Ring. I can’t promise it will convince me to stop adding to our family, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Trina Turk White Paltrow Floral Lace Pencil Skirt and Pretti Scalloped Lace Top from Alixandra’s Collections
Riley Poplin Shirt & Holland Heeled Sandals from Banana Republic
Photography by Rennai Hoefer of Ten22 Studio
Sponsored by Shane Company
Check out my friends thoughts on Mother’s Day here:
Alex from AVE Styles
Vanessa from We The Classy
Sponsored by Shane Co.
I love your white pencil skirt. It’s gorgeous.
I have been pondering this same question myself. You perfectly captured a lot of my own similar feelings perfectly. Most days I’m fairly certain my physical body will give up entirely if it succumbs to one more pregnancy. Other days I think my brain will completely decay from loss of brain cells or my house may never see order for another 18 years. Still yet I get so sad when I see my babies face lose the fatness in their cheeks or some of the sweetness in their voices. Wondering how many more nights I will be needed to scratch my 8 year old back or scare away scary monsters in the night. Baby giggles and cuddles don’t keep long enough.
This is a beautiful and thoughtful post! Part of me thinks, I love your kids so much, you should have 10 more, at least! But seriously, knowing you are done having children is a tough decision–taking care of the 4 cherubs you have is no easy task. Give yourself time and you will come to feel some peace, one way or the other.
Accurate description of motherhood.!! The never ending torment between wanting a new baby to hold or wanting a new baby to raise! Nonetheless, wearing beautiful jewelry while pondering these questions never hurt 🙂
The only time i dont want to have another baby is when i am pregnant. Maybe andrew could talk to jared about the value of purchasing his wife jewelry. xo
My situation was somewhat similar to yours. 5 years of infertility (and multiple miscarriages) and then BAM! 4 children in barely 6 years.
My husband was 100% certain that we were done. My difficult pregnancies and postpartum phases had taken a toll.
Here’s what helped me: I needed to re-word the question from “are we done?” to “is someone missing?”.
To this day I haven’t had the feeling “we are done!” – even though my youngest is now 7 and we are indeed not having anymore babies. I don’t think I could ever declare “I don’t want another baby”. OF COURSE I would love and happily accept more children into my home. Babies, and the children they become, are such a joy and a gift – no matter the personal cost.
BUT I began to recognize that I no longer felt as though someone was missing.
With the birth of all but my last child I had the very distinct feeling that we were NOT done. After the birth of my last, that feeling was no longer there. No, I was not done. But, I no longer knew that we weren’t done. it took me awhile to distinguish the difference in feelings, but in the end my heart and head were at peace.
Even then, it was bittersweet to close the book on such a magical phase.
I really like that distinction (done vs. missing). Thanks for chiming it. I can use all the help I can get.
?oh my gosh this post made me laugh out loud. And can someone remind Marcus that Mother’s Day is coming and that he’s failed miserably in the past and it’s time to step up his game? Mmkay, thanks.
I most definitely think your Andrew should bridge the gap with those gorgeous stacks of bracelets! Yes please! ; ) I love hearing your thoughts on motherhood, totally agree and you verbalized things I hadn’t quite penned yet from my own heart. Your life’s work is in such progress, but the assembling of the pieces of it may be complete, that is true. You will feel the reality of your life’s work probably until you die and then beyond though. Those kids are so blessed to have you as their mom.
My neighbor once told me that if you still ask yourself “am I done?”, then you probably aren’t really done, because when you are done there is NO wondering. You just know, and you move on. I’m not sure if it’s really that simple, but I bought that was an interesting point.