Closet-Palooza: Dressing Room Dysfunctions

For “what is your closet but the different personas we have auditioned and discarded? Hanging there in our closets are reminders, both good and bad, of who we are, who we’ve been, and who we’ve hoped to be.” Tim Gunn

my closet’s blank slate

Before we can pursue the solution, let us address the problem. Below are some stereotypical closets, which require immediate intervention.

Diagnosis-the torture chamber
Inside this ambry lie items endowed with the powers of self-flagellation and holy glorification. Items are distinguished primarily by size: smallish, mediumish, largish. If the body is enrobed in smallish clothes with minimal wrestling, the day is deemed good and the wearer is appraised acceptable. Her closet exists to punish and reward her.

Prescription-editing
Back up sizes should be either be removed completely or hidden from the forefront of your personal showroom. If it doesn’t fit and flatter fire it. You are the closet CEO and board and all the items exist to serve your interests, not the reverse.

—————–

Diagnosis: the museum
Inside this cold storage lies a rich, tangible history. The frock worn when eyes were first laid on Romeo hangs next to her cheerleader’s glory guise, her wedding ensemble is pressed beside the blouse donned during the debut of her most favorite episode of Downton Abby. Her closet is sentimental rather than functional.

Prescription-archive
This closet needs to relocate to the basement. If items are kept they need to remain out of site, in protective garment bags. Better yet, take a picture and donate the actual item.

—————–

Diagnosis-the rubbish bin
This rumpled receptacle vomits when opened. In the refuse there may be well-made trousers in need of hemming, scuffed designer leather boots, a favorite silk shell stained with soy sauce, a cashmere sweater dined on by moths. This closet lacks discipline and sanitation.

Prescription-Boundaries
Start with a clothing ambulance in which all injured items are rushed to repair or taken to the clothing morgue. Continue convalescence in a boundary intensive wardrobe sanitarium.

—————–

Diagnosis-The Disjointed Den
Trends from all different directions exist here. There are many items lying dormant and undisturbed, brooding with the irritation of their un-removed price tags. Sometimes this disorder is caused by a simple split personality: work is straightforward and boring, personal life is over the top to make up for the difference. Two different languages are unable to blend and conjugate a single look. Other times it’s ugly clothism evidenced in the un-equal representation of anemic bottoms against plentiful tops. It’s as if there are only nouns without any verbs or prepositions. Whatever the cause, this schizophrenic wardrobe is unable to communicate a cohesive outfit.

Prescription-Unification
Mend the sartorial union by declaring an official signature style. This cooperative lexicon will help you your clothing to converse. Next make sure your vocabulary is rich with equal representation from each of the clothing categories.

—————–

Diagnosis-The Repeat
This sideboard encloses one style of twin set in five different colors, the only visible pattern is vertical stripes, and the floor is veiled with a colony of sensible black shoes. This area acts as a mechanical uniform dispenser.

Prescription-Inspiration
Install a pin board and collage aspirations from magazines, catalogs, blogs, and especially your own successes.

—————–

Whether you wardrobe represents one or many of these examples, we will be purging them, psychological dispositions and all. Next up is your 5 step closet recovery program. In the end you’ll have a wardrobe you can actually wear.

Comments